Hostage: Approval trap

  Why do I blog? As I’ve said before, blogging helps me slow down long enough to build momentum and press deeper the truths God brings me in Life.  Below are notes from Tony Portel’s message last Sunday that touched a subject of bondage for me and many others: Approval.

We all have issues and fears, and two things drive us, security and significance.  The approval trap deals with a wrong view of others and fear of rejection.  Its hard to get approval that we need from others, mainly because they don’t have the capacity to give all we need (this was an extremely helpful reminder…its not even their fault).  People are not that secure.  That’s why we hurt the people closest to us the most. He described the work of Charles Cooley, whose concept of The looking-glass self suggests we base our self worth on “what the most important person in the room thinks about us”.   This has devastating for me in my marriage, on the job, with my children.  It is not the way God intended.

Now satan is tied down but he can still deceive, and this is an area where he gets us to do his work for him; to destroy ourselves.  I thought about my daughters as he explained how a teenage girl need to have security, to know she is loved.  She needs to know she is a woman that God loves.  Am I working with God in this, or against him? 

Tony went on to describe his own story, his parents and his work in a congregation in St. Louis, where he was confronted with the statement “We esteemed your gift more than you.”  He learned that “You love me enough to love me more than what I do.”  He had to face the fact that his approval came from God not others. 

My identity = What others think+my performance OR My identity = What God thinks + Jesus performance

God has gone beyond Justification (Legally forgiven by the death of Jesus on the cross) to reconciliation (relational aspect—Loved by god).  We have God’s constant approval, not conditional.  We seldom receive unconditional love, that’s why it’s so hard to receive from God. Click the thumbnail chart to the left to see our responses to not getting approval (Scheme, Hide, Fight).  I probably fall in scheme column “Beat the system” more often than others;  I can easily drift to persuasion, some others hide.  We looked at a few verses last Tues. in the Band of Brothers men’s group:

• Gal 1:10 Am I now trying to win the approval of men or please God?  
• Psalm 51:10-12 “Restore the Joy of my Salvation”
• Heb 11:6 Without Faith it is impossible to please God
• Rom 5:9-11 We have been justified, reconciled
• Rom 8:38-39 Nothing can separate us from the love of God

Tony finished with several key thoughts:  1) Will you listen to the lies or truth?  2) When you are secure you don’t listen to others opinions then you can hear God better.  3) If you will live your life on the foundation of God’s truth, you will live the LIFE he intended. 

Highlights

Listening

Several months ago, I started reading the Bible with my sons….its been great.  After a while my wife started to join us.  Its been a time that God has honored over and over again. 

Yesterday, I asked on of my sons if he had done something I asked him to do.  He answered that he thought I said something else (so he really didn’t do what I asked).  Now normally, I try to give him grace, assume the best etc.  Last night, when he said this, it seemed he needed a strong rebuke, right in front of everyone else.  I didn’t like doing it, but in this case, it turned out to be the right thing to do.  I told him, “You must have NOT been listening, because I know what I said, and you understood it then”.  

How was I to know that night we would read Mark 3:3-9. Its the parable of the sower, (you know the hard ground, the rocky ground and the thorns).  Anyone with ears to hear should listen and understand.  We talked about how the disciples went away, then later asked Jesus about it, so they could understand.  So listening wasn’t just hearing, it was also considering, holding onto and reaching for the the opportunity to understand.   

Right before the reading this, my son walked into my room and gave a really heartfelt apology; not after this reading but before.  I was able to forgive him, hug him and tell him how much he meant to me, and remind him how important it was for him to listen. Then, when we read about the sower, that earlier conversation and forgiveness made the reading all the better.  He understood. :)

Hebrews 11:6 is a verse that came up several times this week…in different settings:

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. (Hebrew 11:6)

Do we believe that going to God will result in a reward, do we go earnestly, expectantly, hopefully?

Misty Edwards:Waiting for the rain

Hostage to Performance: Always on Stage

Hostage: Someone held against their will in a place they do not want to be. 

The bible is full of references to God rescuing. What are we to be rescued from?   Below are my notes from Tony Portel’s message

Do I believe the lie?:  "You are unlovable, unforgivable."  

“Laughter can conceal a heavy heart” Prov 14:13, but “Saying things are all right will not make it well” Jer. 6:13.

Time does not heal all wounds, but like Ogres in Shreck, there are layers of an onion that need to be peeled back.  

Who are we at center? Reasons why we hurt:

• Physiological problems
  
• Experiences that shape who we are
  
• Childhood and our parents
  
• You have an enemy that wants to steal, kill and destroy
  
• You can be free  “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free John 8:32
  

Performance (the first lie)

1. Extreme perfectionism leads to extremes (strain to succeed or withdrawal.  I must meet certain Standards to feel good 
2. Avoidance of risk (my father could not let me see him fail)
3. Anger/resentment: we cannot criticism
4. Pride: Leads to Judgment
5. Anxiety and Fear:  We might fail
6. Depression: Failure of high standards
7. Dishonesty: Hide failure or embellish
8. Low motivation:  don’t try rather than risk failure
9. Chemical addiction: Break away or break down

Justification (TRUTH about how to be made right, absolved of guilt)

“We have peace with God ….because of what Christ has done for us.” Romans 5:1

Nothing to do with “worthiness” will make God love me more or less than he already does. It’s not “God is gonna get you”, but he loves me so much all he sees is the cross when he looks at my book of sins. 

“But now he has reconciled you by his physical body through death to present you holy, without blemish, and blameless before him” Col 1:22

Made a grown man cry

You can fail, it’s not your identity.  “Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Roman 8:39   Right here i realized the lie, I am not separated from God.  The truth set me free, again. 

Change?  What is next?

1. Be honest with God:  Are you afraid to let others in?
2. Right relationships.  Trust others.
3. Need God’s word, be renewed day by day, not by what people think. 
4. God’s holy spirit is needed
5. We need time, healing is a process, time to think differently

The Love Dare: A Journal, a Revelation, a Mystery

I found myself laugh when I read that marriage is THE most important relationship for those who are married.  How can that be?  ….read about Sarah and Abraham, Hosea and Gomer, Mary and Joseph. 

If you are married, you have a problem, and great opportunities.  God’s word through friends and this book/movie (Fireproof) have helped me break strongholds and changed the way I think.  She is my queen, my counterpart…and she needs forgiveness, mercy and love and a relationship that only I can give her.  I finally finished (the book), and much of this is, well, personal.  But I wanted to remember the steps that brought me so far, so fast and be thankful.

This simple little book has the keys to help unlock the secrets that I forgot through the years, or may never have learned.  That simplicity comes without minimizing the mystery of marriage (Ephesians 5).

Click the links below to find out more…I dare you!

Day 1: Love is patient

Day 2: Love is kind

Day 3: Love is not selfish

Day 4: Love is thoughtful

Day 5: Love is not rude

Day 6: Love is not irritable

Day 7: Love believes the best

Day 8: Love is not jealous

Day 9: Love makes good impressions

Day 10: Love is unconditional

Day 11: Love cherishes

Day 12: Love lets the other win

Day 13: Love fights fair

Day 14: Love takes delight

Day 15: Love is honorable

Day 16: Love intercedes

Day 17: Love promotes intimacy

Day 18: Love seeks to understand

Day 19: Love is impossible

Day 20: Love is Jesus Christ

Day 21: Love is satisfied in God

Day 22: Love is faithful

Day 23: Love always protects

Day 24: Love vs. Lust

Day 25: Love forgives

Day 26: Love is responsible

Day 27: Love encourages

Day 28: Love makes sacrifices

Day 29: Love’s motivation

Day 30: Love brings unity

Day 31: Love and marriage

Day 32: Love meets sexual needs

Day 33: Love completes each other

Day 34: Love celebrates godliness

Day 35: Love is accountable

Day 36: Love is God’s Word

Day 37: Love agrees in prayer

Day 38: Love fulfills dreams

Day 39: Love endures

Day 40: Love is a covenant

Real Men - do what they need to do

I have a brother with a certain gift of really hearing songs. He sent me one on Superbowl Sunday (Go Steelers). I finally got around to listening to the song this morning...

It made me think of the shame and guilt I carry when I don't follow Jesus, and the love and acceptance and fellowship he offers me in His family. The guy in this video held his head down, but then he did what he needed to do. Sometimes it can really be that simple, and God makes the rest work out.

I also like how it kicks a big hole in the Lie. The Lie that real men never admit they are wrong. It takes a real man to admit he is wrong, and right there is where we can receive forgiveness and healing.

This isn't one decision, its a way of Life.
Thanks bro, you did it again